Thursday, 24 July 2008

Do you give your cups names?

From left to right; Picasso, Anne of Green Gables, Nelson (Photograph by Slave Cup from Artist's own collection)
Unavailable for photograph; Naked Cup and Scar Spoon.

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

New Home Greeting Card

Dead Bees
Smell of beef and cheese
All the things that greeted me as I walked through the door.

Birthday Gift List

For my birthday I got
a haircut and some
shampoo and
money and a
dvd some
chalk a
make your own candy jewellery set a
coat a
candle and a
pen a
makeup bag and also a

A jumper from France

Ali is wearing a french jumper.
That is to say a jumper from france.
That is to say the jumper speaks French
but only to some people. Not to you, just to me.

Bonjour le jumper.
Bonjour mademoiselle.
Ca va bien?


I'll stay here- don't worry.
What is there to worry about?
I'll look after your bag.
No one will steal anything.
I won't let them.

No one will kill you. Though I wouldn't mind if they did.


I drew a picture of my friend,
his face was pencil drawn,
his skin rubbed out and then rubbed in.
I drew a picture of my friend.
It looked nothing like him.

Clown Eyes

Clown eyes
Town spies
Apple pies
All lies
I saw a circus man in town selling apples.
It was a move I was willing to make. From one room to another. And so I set about, I packed my desk into a few boxes. I packed my files into one. My books and cds, dvds videos etc went into a further couple of boxes and my clothes into a suitcase and bag.
A box of photographs from my childhood. I search through them remembering a photograph of my family. I find it. I search our faces, For fun, for happiness. Still there. Caught in that moment of childhood pleasure- a family united by celluloid. But caught, as well, in one corner, coming from behind a tree. An old man sneaking. Pulling a small child. And in this age of anxiety I immeadiately thought the worst.
Then I made jokes about it.

An episode of ER

Turbulent blood flow.
Small hole upper chambers of the heart.
Right side to the left side of the heart.
If you had heard the murmur? Speculation.
Did you ignore the importnat warning signs of stoke?
Is it true you could have detected the stoke?
Commercial Break.

Conversation (7)

1. I see you are wearing your new t-shirt.
2. Yes.
1. But I also see you are wearing it incorrectly.
2. (pause) what?
1. You are wearing it wrong.
2. How, exactly?
1. You are wearing it tucked into your trousers.
2. Oh.
1. Which are bow fronted.
2. Oh.
1. You are dressed like an old man. That is a young t-shirt ad you are wearing it tucked in. You look like Roger from next door. You look like an old, old man.
2. Well, I'n not that bothered because I actually am an old man.
1. You look like it.
2. But I don’t mind that because I am an old man.
1. Well you look like one. (pause) It wouldn't be so bad if the top button of your trousers wasn’t missing. You are only one step away from indecent exposure.
2. If my trousers fell down it would indecently expose that not only is my t-shirt tucked int my trousers but it is also tucked into my underpants. Which is even more indecent and aging I presume.
1. Maybe you should have a bit of t-shirt sticking through the open fly to seal the deal. officially making you a creepy old man.
2. But if I untucked my T-shirt none of this would be an issue? I would instantly look younger and not like a pervert, despite the fact that my face, clothes stance etc would be exactly the same? That if my shirt was untucked we wouldn't have a problem.
1. Yes.
2. (tucks shirt in further)

Thursday, 26 June 2008




1. Pour the water into a pot and boil it. When the water is boiling putting noodles into the pot.

2. Use chopsticks to stir the noodles slightly about three to five minutes, and then the noodles are already boiled. Don't pour cold water into the pot in the case that boiled water spills, but turn down the fire instead.

3. Put the boiled noodles into cold water and get rid of the water. When it is done, you can blend any kind of seasoning you like into noodles. It depends on you. If you like, you can make soup noodles, dried noodles, fried noodles and cold noodles with sauce.

Sunday, 15 June 2008

Ten Things I have done to CGSW.

1. Came up with witty name alternative i.e Charles Guy Sloane Winnett became Charles Gay Slow Winnett.
2. Pissed on CGSW when he was an infant.
3. Put bogeys on CGSW when he was an infant.
4. Tried to (according to Grandmother (EBS)) "murder" CGSW by pushing finger into his chest a.k.a a small child not understanding how press studs work i.e one sided pushing can be seen as pre-meditated, cold blooded killing; pushing from both sides is assisting with dressing of younger sibling post bubblebath.
5. Chased CGSW around house with faeces on hand.
6. Let CGSW fall head first into gap between parents bed frame and parents matress and left him there.
7. Assisted in "charles torture" including the time CGSW was locked out of the house, alone and tied to a chair with walking sticks stuck into his trouser legs and jumper sleeves thus imposing a high level of immobility.
8. Tested the strength and bravery of CGSW by putting pegs on his face.
9. Forced CGSW to be key componant in amatuer productions such as "cartoon title songs dance" and "My favourite film scenes" and various 'gymnastic' displays.
10. Told mum when little brother had skived off school after helping him forge a note from "dad" which got him into even more trouble just because I could.

Conversation (6)

1. The view from this window is sensational.

2. yes.

1. Though it is quite chilly. There is a terrible draught coming from it.

2. That's because the window is open.

1. It really is very chilly.

2. Because the window is open. The wind is coming through the open window.

1. They should fix that.

2. closing it perhaps?

1. Maybe you could take a look at it. See what you can do.

2. (Closes window)

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Waikiki Zoo Pamphlet


The monkey is a crap animal. The only reason we have any here is because people expect monkeys in zoos.

I hate birds too.

This is a brontosaurus, it is not a snake. Dinosaurs are great. This particular dinosaur is called Antoby. He is actually just a model and not a real dinosaur.

Toby Stephens
Toby Stephens is a terrible actor who has a barrel for a body. He is Professor McGonagal's son.

Dancing Bears
Dancing bears are very rare and these almost human like bears are made from other bears.
Dancing bears are very protective of their fez/ waistcoat ensembles and clean them frequently.
NEVER anger a bear when it is washing it's fez. All dancing bears share the same favourite dance song 'Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U)' by Hi Tack.

We have currently only four bumans in residence. Bumans are a highly endagered species of celebrity and are bred only in captivity (for control purposes).
Currently we have Bill Oddie (Billiam Bumoddie), Kris Acabussi (Kris Accabuman), Jim Carey (Jimus Bumey) and Terry Jones (Terry Jones) who has been affectionately named 'Tel' by the other bumans.
A buman is a hybrid between a human celebrity and a bird. They can not fly, though they have flown. They have yellow feet and so are camoflagued from the foot down in yellow terrains. Bumans always have their hands in their pockets.


"That bird was nowhere near your eyeballs"

"If people who go to art galleries are supposed to be sophisticated why do they have to pee all over the seat and I have to hover when I have sore legs."

Snow Lyrics

Where is the snow? Where could it be?
Why has it not snowed here recently?

Why is it so cold but not in the sky to make the rain into some snow...
oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh oh

Snow is made of rain that gets right cold and turns into some ice and then it falls down from the sky aye aye aye.

When it lands upon the groud it sticks to stuff like cars and horses but also things that do not move. Like houses. Snow is fun to play around in, make snow angels throw at people.
Taste the freshness, eat the snow but do not touch the stuff that's yellow.

Snow snow snow
there's no snow snow

January Lyrics

Jan January, Jan January,
it's not a month to be happy in.

Jan January, Jan January,
In fact it's not a real month at all.

It's cold (it's cold)
it's grey (it's grey)
it's not a very good month I say.
It's sad (It's sad)
it's blue (it's blue)
I hate January, do you?

bom boma bom ba.

Jan January, Jan January,
it's not a month to be happy in.

Jan January, Jan January,
In fact it's not a real month at all.

Saturday, 10 May 2008

Photo Psychic (Pick Me Up)


Jealous Cat

Q. We got our cat, Shola, from the local RSPCA over a year ago. She growls whenever I go near her, but she's all over my partner, even though it is me who feeds her and changes her litter tray. My old cat, Fluffy, died last summer, aged 14. Does Shola still sense her?
Keith, 30, Oldham, Greater Manchester

A. Yes, Shola senses Fluffy's ghost and it's making her feel insecure. Cats are very territorial, even in spirit, and it's Fluffy's attitude that's making Shola wary. Have a quiet word with Fluffy and tell her having Shola there doesn't mean you love her any less. I've tried to tell her myself, but she just sits with her back to me, tail twitching, so she needs to hear it from you. Then Shola will settle.

(could be translated to "Your old cat was a bitch and you are a gay with bad pet naming skills. Deal with it yourself you big, dumb, homo.")

Mystic Mary, Psychic psychick, Pick Me Up, homophobe.

Sunday, 27 April 2008

Conversation (5)

1. The trouble with these prescription sunglasses is I can see far away but I can't read the dashboard.

2. I suppose light sensitive ones would be best.

1. Well, no. If they went dark I still wouldn't be able to read the things on the dashboard.

2. Oh.

Conversation (4)

1. Right. J cloths, unobtainable in france, and bin liners. decent bin liners. Sponges definately.

2. I think we need more cornice moulding.

1. Are you talking about the attic windows?

2. Yes. More wood for them.

1. White paint.

2. yes, and a pull light switch.

1. it's a very short list.

2. We need some more wood for the attic door. 35 by 20 mm section of wood.

1. Which door?

2. The first door.

1. Where, in the attic?

2. Yes. ........ Read me the list.

1. jcloths, bin bags, sponges, moulding, white paint, pull light switch, wood 35 by 20 mm.

2. we could do with a new mop

1. right

2. what about soap and things?

1. there's spare there.

2. handwash in the kitchen?

1. we''ll need some.

2. put it on the list.

1. I have.

2. Tea towels, towels and sheets.

1. All clean and in the cupboard.

2. That's eveything?

1. I think so...yes.

2. Good. oh, we need to look at wood.

1. more wood?

2. wood flooring.

1. It might be difficult to bring out with us.

2. It'll fill the car up but we could bring it. Or buy it here.

1. It was cheap in that shop.

2. Four Euros a square metre.

1. Let's hope it will still be that cheap.

2. It wasn't a sale.

1.What? It's really that price all the time.

2. Yes.

1. A new duvet cover or a throw for those beds in the attic.

2. Yes. Bring a bit of colour to it.

1. Maybe some cushions too.

Conversation (3)

1. What was that by the side of the road?

2. Roadkill

1. The fur looked very nice.

2. A fox maybe?

1. Perhaps, it was very shiny.

2. Maybe a beaver?

1. Yes. Something like that.

Conversation (2)

1. Look at that pig. It's huge.

2. where?

1. In the field, there.

2. I can't see it. Is it near that bag?

1.What bag? There isn't a bag.

2. Right there.

1. That's the pig.

2. No, that's a bag.

1. Oh. It looked like a pig, I've been admiring it for ages.

2. Sac le Porc.

Conversation (1)

1. What does Christianne do all day?

2. I expect there is a fair amount of just pottering around.

1. Hmmmm

2. There is a lot of Brian minding.

1. Who?

2. Brian, the grandson. A lot of to-ing and fro-ing.

1. Yes.

2. And preserving fruits, making them into jam. And walking the dogs.


2. Making Allain exquist meals when he gets home from work.

1. A busy day then.

2. She's always very busy.

some drawings of mine

'View up inside a box'
'When the ghosts attacked me when I was sick'
'where do you keep your disease?'
'old woman face'
'scarecrows in a field'
'hate piece'
'talk about a hot toddy/ once I ate an apple'
'Theseus', illustration to accompany 'You Impress No One' Celia Winnett, 2008

'Allain's eye'
'The Old Man and the Bees', illustration to accompany short story, Celia Winnett, 2008


These are some funny pictures from a while ago. Hmmm, I look really strange with long hair and it creeps me out to see picture of it. Weird.

Bad Films

Liar Liar

My favourite bit in this film is when Max shows Jerry his cool BASEBALL STUFF present and Jerry says 'Hey great gift Dad!' and then Fletcher goes 'Thanks son.' It is so FUNNY.

It really is.

I also love it when Fletcher pretends to eat the present. That is just before Max shouts out 'BASEBALL STUFF' which also makes me laugh.

High School Musical (1)

My ultimate favourite bit in this film is when the basketball team have just said hi to Sharpay and Zeke says something about the ice queen coming back from the northpole and then Chad says 'and back from what she always does...' and everyone goes 'where?' then Chad says 'shopping for mirrors' and then entire basketball team goes 'oooooooooh' as though he has made the most cutting comment ever made. It is so funny.

Also I liked it when me and Annie watched it and changed the words and pretended that Troy wanted to be both a ball and a microphone. So funny.

High School Musical 2

What I really like in this film is how retarded Troy and Gabriella are, they could kiss about 1000 times but they are just idiots and then Taylor makes them break up by being such a stirrer. Ridiculous. I do love it though when Sharpay is talking to Ryan about the primo number one hotties at the school and then she goes 'Troy... Sharpay... Sharpay... Troy... Troypay' and it is so funny.


I'm not really sure where the bear thing started but for a long time now I've really liked bears. If I were an animal I would be a Freelance Dancing Bear in Fez and Waistcoat Ensemble. i've only ever seen bears in cages and zoos and dead in museums. I would like to see one running about in a river eating some salmon. I know it is really cruel but if I were a zoo keeper I would make the bears wear a fez and waistcoat ensemble.

Anyway here are some bear pictures I made on paint ages ago.

'Bear Running', Celia Winnett, 2006
'Dancing Bears', Celia Winnett, 2006
'All Danced Out Bear', Celia Winnett, 2006

'Oscar's Tea Party' Illustrations

A while ago I made some illustrations to write stories about. I only wrote one useable story from it but here are the pictures. I hope to go back to it one day and finish it. I printed the pictures into a book that is pretty great and I was going to handwrite the words over the top. That would only work with poems though.
'Damn Simon', 2007, This became an amusing short story about a writer who boasted about their ability to write during a party who's bluff got called.
'Giant Portrait', 2007, This was a shockingly bad fragment piece about a scary picture whose eyes followed you aroud. Not good, and it is an awful picture too.

'I hope you won't let me down at this year's dinner dance, my dear... or Wifely Words', 2007, This was a love story I wrote about two elderly bears. It was rather lovely, I am putting it in a competition soon.
'Betty, Better to be Older', 2007, This became a poem that used the letter 'b' a lot. I am not sure why she is bleeding all over the place though.
'Birthday Explosions', 2007, This became a fragment piece of a parent recallng their child's birthday party when the candles blew up the cake decorations, based upon my own first birthday.

'Oscar's Tea Party', 2007, This was a story which documented the guests at Oscar's Tea Party. It was pretty funny. I might look at that again soon.

Saturday, 26 April 2008

Backstage (original)

Combing and combing and curling and crimping and caressing their long silky hair.

Rouged cheeks and whited faces.

Comb teeth glide and hands smooth hair.

Ribbed ribbons and blacked eyes decorating, with pearl beads and beads of sweat.

Combing and combing and curling and crimping the hair back from their faces.

Pinned into place.

The women are ready to dance.

Car Bother

Charles was strapped into his car seat,
Seb was sat in the front.
I was climbing through the car, over the handbrake. crunch.

Ever so slowly,
yet ever so fast,
we stood and watched as the car drove past.

Seb and I got out and pushed,
but Charles was still in there,
strapped to his seat,
and all I could see were his hammering feet
as he tried to break through the glass of the car
whilst trapped safely secure inside his chair like a dinosaur trapped in the tar.

beef- one side of a conversation

"In answer to your earlier question, no, I don't eat beef."...

"It's for no particular reason. I'm just a bit fussy."...

"No, I don't eat mince either."

U-G-L-Y I ain't got no alibi...

The ugliest photographs of me EVER>>>>>>>>>

other faces

other faces that I have seen or made.


My face has been seen by many eyes. Here are some of my favourite versions of my face.

'2 Monkeys' Catherine Weir, 2008
'Monster' Jessica Louise Gale, 2007
'Jeremy Beadle and Child', M. G. Degnoote, 1989
'Celia', Catherine Weir, 2008
'True Love/ Ceemo', Gemma Mannion, 2008

'Face', Nadia Rossi, the artiste, 2008
'Chicken Rotisserie', Nadia Rossi, 2008

'Scanned', collaborative work between Celia Winnett, Graeme Plunkett, Nadia Rossi and Catherine Weir, 2008

Magazine pictures

'So addicted to sex I became a porn star', Celia Winnett, 2008
'Thanks for asking me to the prom', Celia Winnett, 2008

'Wedding Reception', Celia Winnett, 2008
'This season's must have accessories', Celia Winnett, 2008
'My giant cyst had eyes and teeth', Celia Winnett, 2008
'...and I woke up and half of my hair was just gone...', Celia Winnett, 2008
'He smeared stinky fish all over my things', Celia Winnett, 2008

Pictures I made.