LONGTIME nosee.
long nose.
time see.
sea.
see?
Don't worry though because I am back from the shops now.
What did I buy?
I bought some extra thyme.
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Do you give your cups names?
From left to right; Picasso, Anne of Green Gables, Nelson (Photograph by Slave Cup from Artist's own collection)Unavailable for photograph; Naked Cup and Scar Spoon.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
New Home Greeting Card
DVDs
Dead Bees
Smell of beef and cheese
All the things that greeted me as I walked through the door.
Dead Bees
Smell of beef and cheese
All the things that greeted me as I walked through the door.
Birthday Gift List
For my birthday I got
a haircut and some
shampoo and
money and a
dvd some
chalk a
make your own candy jewellery set a
coat a
candle and a
pen a
makeup bag and also a
McFlurry.
a haircut and some
shampoo and
money and a
dvd some
chalk a
make your own candy jewellery set a
coat a
candle and a
pen a
makeup bag and also a
McFlurry.
A jumper from France
Ali is wearing a french jumper.
That is to say a jumper from france.
That is to say the jumper speaks French
but only to some people. Not to you, just to me.
Bonjour le jumper.
Bonjour mademoiselle.
Ca va bien?
Etc
That is to say a jumper from france.
That is to say the jumper speaks French
but only to some people. Not to you, just to me.
Bonjour le jumper.
Bonjour mademoiselle.
Ca va bien?
Etc
Safe
I'll stay here- don't worry.
What is there to worry about?
I'll look after your bag.
No one will steal anything.
I won't let them.
No one will kill you. Though I wouldn't mind if they did.
What is there to worry about?
I'll look after your bag.
No one will steal anything.
I won't let them.
No one will kill you. Though I wouldn't mind if they did.
Drawing
I drew a picture of my friend,
his face was pencil drawn,
his skin rubbed out and then rubbed in.
I drew a picture of my friend.
It looked nothing like him.
his face was pencil drawn,
his skin rubbed out and then rubbed in.
I drew a picture of my friend.
It looked nothing like him.
Clown Eyes
Clown eyes
Town spies
Apple pies
All lies
I saw a circus man in town selling apples.
Crapples.
Town spies
Apple pies
All lies
I saw a circus man in town selling apples.
Crapples.
It was a move I was willing to make. From one room to another. And so I set about, I packed my desk into a few boxes. I packed my files into one. My books and cds, dvds videos etc went into a further couple of boxes and my clothes into a suitcase and bag.
A box of photographs from my childhood. I search through them remembering a photograph of my family. I find it. I search our faces, For fun, for happiness. Still there. Caught in that moment of childhood pleasure- a family united by celluloid. But caught, as well, in one corner, coming from behind a tree. An old man sneaking. Pulling a small child. And in this age of anxiety I immeadiately thought the worst.
Then I made jokes about it.
A box of photographs from my childhood. I search through them remembering a photograph of my family. I find it. I search our faces, For fun, for happiness. Still there. Caught in that moment of childhood pleasure- a family united by celluloid. But caught, as well, in one corner, coming from behind a tree. An old man sneaking. Pulling a small child. And in this age of anxiety I immeadiately thought the worst.
Then I made jokes about it.
An episode of ER
Turbulent blood flow.
Small hole upper chambers of the heart.
Right side to the left side of the heart.
If you had heard the murmur? Speculation.
Did you ignore the importnat warning signs of stoke?
Is it true you could have detected the stoke?
Commercial Break.
Small hole upper chambers of the heart.
Right side to the left side of the heart.
If you had heard the murmur? Speculation.
Did you ignore the importnat warning signs of stoke?
Is it true you could have detected the stoke?
Commercial Break.
Conversation (7)
1. I see you are wearing your new t-shirt.
2. Yes.
1. But I also see you are wearing it incorrectly.
2. (pause) what?
1. You are wearing it wrong.
2. How, exactly?
1. You are wearing it tucked into your trousers.
2. Oh.
1. Which are bow fronted.
2. Oh.
1. You are dressed like an old man. That is a young t-shirt ad you are wearing it tucked in. You look like Roger from next door. You look like an old, old man.
2. Well, I'n not that bothered because I actually am an old man.
1. You look like it.
2. But I don’t mind that because I am an old man.
1. Well you look like one. (pause) It wouldn't be so bad if the top button of your trousers wasn’t missing. You are only one step away from indecent exposure.
2. If my trousers fell down it would indecently expose that not only is my t-shirt tucked int my trousers but it is also tucked into my underpants. Which is even more indecent and aging I presume.
1. Maybe you should have a bit of t-shirt sticking through the open fly to seal the deal. officially making you a creepy old man.
2. But if I untucked my T-shirt none of this would be an issue? I would instantly look younger and not like a pervert, despite the fact that my face, clothes stance etc would be exactly the same? That if my shirt was untucked we wouldn't have a problem.
1. Yes.
2. (tucks shirt in further)
2. Yes.
1. But I also see you are wearing it incorrectly.
2. (pause) what?
1. You are wearing it wrong.
2. How, exactly?
1. You are wearing it tucked into your trousers.
2. Oh.
1. Which are bow fronted.
2. Oh.
1. You are dressed like an old man. That is a young t-shirt ad you are wearing it tucked in. You look like Roger from next door. You look like an old, old man.
2. Well, I'n not that bothered because I actually am an old man.
1. You look like it.
2. But I don’t mind that because I am an old man.
1. Well you look like one. (pause) It wouldn't be so bad if the top button of your trousers wasn’t missing. You are only one step away from indecent exposure.
2. If my trousers fell down it would indecently expose that not only is my t-shirt tucked int my trousers but it is also tucked into my underpants. Which is even more indecent and aging I presume.
1. Maybe you should have a bit of t-shirt sticking through the open fly to seal the deal. officially making you a creepy old man.
2. But if I untucked my T-shirt none of this would be an issue? I would instantly look younger and not like a pervert, despite the fact that my face, clothes stance etc would be exactly the same? That if my shirt was untucked we wouldn't have a problem.
1. Yes.
2. (tucks shirt in further)
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Noodles
1. Pour the water into a pot and boil it. When the water is boiling putting noodles into the pot.
2. Use chopsticks to stir the noodles slightly about three to five minutes, and then the noodles are already boiled. Don't pour cold water into the pot in the case that boiled water spills, but turn down the fire instead.
3. Put the boiled noodles into cold water and get rid of the water. When it is done, you can blend any kind of seasoning you like into noodles. It depends on you. If you like, you can make soup noodles, dried noodles, fried noodles and cold noodles with sauce.
2. Use chopsticks to stir the noodles slightly about three to five minutes, and then the noodles are already boiled. Don't pour cold water into the pot in the case that boiled water spills, but turn down the fire instead.
3. Put the boiled noodles into cold water and get rid of the water. When it is done, you can blend any kind of seasoning you like into noodles. It depends on you. If you like, you can make soup noodles, dried noodles, fried noodles and cold noodles with sauce.
Sunday, 15 June 2008
Ten Things I have done to CGSW.
1. Came up with witty name alternative i.e Charles Guy Sloane Winnett became Charles Gay Slow Winnett.
2. Pissed on CGSW when he was an infant.
3. Put bogeys on CGSW when he was an infant.
4. Tried to (according to Grandmother (EBS)) "murder" CGSW by pushing finger into his chest a.k.a a small child not understanding how press studs work i.e one sided pushing can be seen as pre-meditated, cold blooded killing; pushing from both sides is assisting with dressing of younger sibling post bubblebath.
5. Chased CGSW around house with faeces on hand.
6. Let CGSW fall head first into gap between parents bed frame and parents matress and left him there.
7. Assisted in "charles torture" including the time CGSW was locked out of the house, alone and tied to a chair with walking sticks stuck into his trouser legs and jumper sleeves thus imposing a high level of immobility.
8. Tested the strength and bravery of CGSW by putting pegs on his face.
9. Forced CGSW to be key componant in amatuer productions such as "cartoon title songs dance" and "My favourite film scenes" and various 'gymnastic' displays.
10. Told mum when little brother had skived off school after helping him forge a note from "dad" which got him into even more trouble just because I could.
2. Pissed on CGSW when he was an infant.
3. Put bogeys on CGSW when he was an infant.
4. Tried to (according to Grandmother (EBS)) "murder" CGSW by pushing finger into his chest a.k.a a small child not understanding how press studs work i.e one sided pushing can be seen as pre-meditated, cold blooded killing; pushing from both sides is assisting with dressing of younger sibling post bubblebath.
5. Chased CGSW around house with faeces on hand.
6. Let CGSW fall head first into gap between parents bed frame and parents matress and left him there.
7. Assisted in "charles torture" including the time CGSW was locked out of the house, alone and tied to a chair with walking sticks stuck into his trouser legs and jumper sleeves thus imposing a high level of immobility.
8. Tested the strength and bravery of CGSW by putting pegs on his face.
9. Forced CGSW to be key componant in amatuer productions such as "cartoon title songs dance" and "My favourite film scenes" and various 'gymnastic' displays.
10. Told mum when little brother had skived off school after helping him forge a note from "dad" which got him into even more trouble just because I could.
Conversation (6)
1. The view from this window is sensational.
2. yes.
1. Though it is quite chilly. There is a terrible draught coming from it.
2. That's because the window is open.
1. It really is very chilly.
2. Because the window is open. The wind is coming through the open window.
1. They should fix that.
2. ...by closing it perhaps?
1. Maybe you could take a look at it. See what you can do.
2. (Closes window)
2. yes.
1. Though it is quite chilly. There is a terrible draught coming from it.
2. That's because the window is open.
1. It really is very chilly.
2. Because the window is open. The wind is coming through the open window.
1. They should fix that.
2. ...by closing it perhaps?
1. Maybe you could take a look at it. See what you can do.
2. (Closes window)
Sunday, 8 June 2008
Waikiki Zoo Pamphlet
Monkey
The monkey is a crap animal. The only reason we have any here is because people expect monkeys in zoos.
Birds
I hate birds too.
Dinosaur
This is a brontosaurus, it is not a snake. Dinosaurs are great. This particular dinosaur is called Antoby. He is actually just a model and not a real dinosaur.
Toby Stephens
Toby Stephens is a terrible actor who has a barrel for a body. He is Professor McGonagal's son.
Dancing Bears
Dancing bears are very rare and these almost human like bears are made from other bears.
Dancing bears are very protective of their fez/ waistcoat ensembles and clean them frequently.
NEVER anger a bear when it is washing it's fez. All dancing bears share the same favourite dance song 'Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U)' by Hi Tack.
Bumans
We have currently only four bumans in residence. Bumans are a highly endagered species of celebrity and are bred only in captivity (for control purposes).
Currently we have Bill Oddie (Billiam Bumoddie), Kris Acabussi (Kris Accabuman), Jim Carey (Jimus Bumey) and Terry Jones (Terry Jones) who has been affectionately named 'Tel' by the other bumans.
A buman is a hybrid between a human celebrity and a bird. They can not fly, though they have flown. They have yellow feet and so are camoflagued from the foot down in yellow terrains. Bumans always have their hands in their pockets.
The monkey is a crap animal. The only reason we have any here is because people expect monkeys in zoos.
Birds
I hate birds too.
Dinosaur
This is a brontosaurus, it is not a snake. Dinosaurs are great. This particular dinosaur is called Antoby. He is actually just a model and not a real dinosaur.
Toby Stephens
Toby Stephens is a terrible actor who has a barrel for a body. He is Professor McGonagal's son.
Dancing Bears
Dancing bears are very rare and these almost human like bears are made from other bears.
Dancing bears are very protective of their fez/ waistcoat ensembles and clean them frequently.
NEVER anger a bear when it is washing it's fez. All dancing bears share the same favourite dance song 'Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U)' by Hi Tack.
Bumans
We have currently only four bumans in residence. Bumans are a highly endagered species of celebrity and are bred only in captivity (for control purposes).
Currently we have Bill Oddie (Billiam Bumoddie), Kris Acabussi (Kris Accabuman), Jim Carey (Jimus Bumey) and Terry Jones (Terry Jones) who has been affectionately named 'Tel' by the other bumans.
A buman is a hybrid between a human celebrity and a bird. They can not fly, though they have flown. They have yellow feet and so are camoflagued from the foot down in yellow terrains. Bumans always have their hands in their pockets.
Quotations
"That bird was nowhere near your eyeballs"
"If people who go to art galleries are supposed to be sophisticated why do they have to pee all over the seat and I have to hover when I have sore legs."
"If people who go to art galleries are supposed to be sophisticated why do they have to pee all over the seat and I have to hover when I have sore legs."
Snow Lyrics
Where is the snow? Where could it be?
Why has it not snowed here recently?
Why is it so cold but not in the sky to make the rain into some snow...
oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh oh
Snow is made of rain that gets right cold and turns into some ice and then it falls down from the sky aye aye aye.
When it lands upon the groud it sticks to stuff like cars and horses but also things that do not move. Like houses. Snow is fun to play around in, make snow angels throw at people.
Taste the freshness, eat the snow but do not touch the stuff that's yellow.
Snow snow snow
there's no snow snow
Why has it not snowed here recently?
Why is it so cold but not in the sky to make the rain into some snow...
oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh oh
Snow is made of rain that gets right cold and turns into some ice and then it falls down from the sky aye aye aye.
When it lands upon the groud it sticks to stuff like cars and horses but also things that do not move. Like houses. Snow is fun to play around in, make snow angels throw at people.
Taste the freshness, eat the snow but do not touch the stuff that's yellow.
Snow snow snow
there's no snow snow
January Lyrics
Jan January, Jan January,
it's not a month to be happy in.
Jan January, Jan January,
In fact it's not a real month at all.
It's cold (it's cold)
it's grey (it's grey)
it's not a very good month I say.
It's sad (It's sad)
it's blue (it's blue)
I hate January, do you?
bom boma bom ba.
Jan January, Jan January,
it's not a month to be happy in.
Jan January, Jan January,
In fact it's not a real month at all.
it's not a month to be happy in.
Jan January, Jan January,
In fact it's not a real month at all.
It's cold (it's cold)
it's grey (it's grey)
it's not a very good month I say.
It's sad (It's sad)
it's blue (it's blue)
I hate January, do you?
bom boma bom ba.
Jan January, Jan January,
it's not a month to be happy in.
Jan January, Jan January,
In fact it's not a real month at all.
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Photo Psychic (Pick Me Up)
PETS CORNER
Jealous Cat
Q. We got our cat, Shola, from the local RSPCA over a year ago. She growls whenever I go near her, but she's all over my partner, even though it is me who feeds her and changes her litter tray. My old cat, Fluffy, died last summer, aged 14. Does Shola still sense her?
Keith, 30, Oldham, Greater Manchester
A. Yes, Shola senses Fluffy's ghost and it's making her feel insecure. Cats are very territorial, even in spirit, and it's Fluffy's attitude that's making Shola wary. Have a quiet word with Fluffy and tell her having Shola there doesn't mean you love her any less. I've tried to tell her myself, but she just sits with her back to me, tail twitching, so she needs to hear it from you. Then Shola will settle.
(could be translated to "Your old cat was a bitch and you are a gay with bad pet naming skills. Deal with it yourself you big, dumb, homo.")
Mystic Mary, Psychic psychick, Pick Me Up, homophobe.
Jealous Cat
Q. We got our cat, Shola, from the local RSPCA over a year ago. She growls whenever I go near her, but she's all over my partner, even though it is me who feeds her and changes her litter tray. My old cat, Fluffy, died last summer, aged 14. Does Shola still sense her?
Keith, 30, Oldham, Greater Manchester
A. Yes, Shola senses Fluffy's ghost and it's making her feel insecure. Cats are very territorial, even in spirit, and it's Fluffy's attitude that's making Shola wary. Have a quiet word with Fluffy and tell her having Shola there doesn't mean you love her any less. I've tried to tell her myself, but she just sits with her back to me, tail twitching, so she needs to hear it from you. Then Shola will settle.
(could be translated to "Your old cat was a bitch and you are a gay with bad pet naming skills. Deal with it yourself you big, dumb, homo.")
Mystic Mary, Psychic psychick, Pick Me Up, homophobe.
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